There is an ingredient, a skill, a secret sauce that every marriage needs, every relationship hinges on, every person possesses, but where two people together can miss the mark. There is an ingredient that, with faulty or careless use, will cause a budding relationship to wither. A developing friendship can stumble, and an established marriage can fade. What could cause lifelong friends to part ways? What could cause two people who pledge their lives in love to one another to quit or decide to live with their backs to each other?

Our goal in this life should not only be to live but to thrive. John 10:10 says there is an evil one trying to steal, kill and destroy our life, but there is one who came to give us abundant life. Our lives comprise five parts: Spirituality, Health, Profession, Finances, and Relationships. We will discuss the fundamental causes of relationship failures. One will agree that people must bring trust, time, dependability, and support to a healthy relationship. Still, there is one ultimate thing that can cause a relationship to wither and die. That one thing is a faulty, broken, inadequate, and ineffective way of communicating.

There are several categories of people we communicate with daily such as our spouses, relatives, close friends, business associates, and persons in authority. How effective you communicate will dictate the outcome wither negative or positive. The staggering truth is that being fluent in our native language or having a solid vocabulary does not mean we can effectively convey a thought or idea to another person. When emotions or chemistry are involved, one person may give verbal or non-verbal cues while the other interprets and receives the message. In many instances, a bias serves the couple in the dating and honeymoon stage, but time and experiences cause static and a negative bias that eventually becomes disastrous.

Before we throw in the towel and call it quits, we may be encouraged to know that even the most excellent communicator, Jesus Christ, had many instances where his closest friends misinterpreted and misunderstood him. The misinterpretation and misunderstandings occurred after his disciples filtered his words through their insecurities, distractions, desires, and selfishness. Matthew 16:5-12 recounted an instance when Jesus was troubled by the polluted doctrine that the Pharisees and Sadducees were peddling as law but were mere human traditions. Jesus tries to warn his friends and refers to these practices as the leaven in the dough, and like leaven infects all the dough to make it rise, so do human traditions corrupt. The disciples only hear the word bread, and immediately they start thinking Jesus is chastening them because they forgot to buy bread for the trip.

Jesus Christ models the mentor-protege communication principle and communication effectiveness in relationships. Jesus Christ communicates truth in 2 distinct ways verbally-through words and nonverbally-through actions. In addition, he uses a variety of communication strategies when speaking to his disciples and his followers. We have to learn all we can from the Master Communicator; once we have learned, we are ready for implementation. His communication was deliberate, planned, and focused on one thing “connection us back to the Father” one of our focuses should be building intimacy with our spouse and connecting with others.

Good communication is a valuable skill that is learned gradually through various experiences. The secret that lies in effective communication is simple “Truth.” Seeing and modeling truth is the most practical way to build communication in your relationship. To have successful communication in your marriage, you must first be a “good communicator.” Many times we point our finger at the other person without checking ourselves. Successful communication in a relationship is everything!

Everyone should rely on the reliable word for the ultimate guide for communication. The scriptures give us practical tools and resources that we can use in our daily lives. Psalm 119:105, “your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.” Learning the art of effective communication is like a marathon; it takes time, patience, consistency, and commitment. The rewards and fulfillment of a happy relationship outweigh the hard work. We need to use wisdom when communicating. Solomon encourages us to go to the Ant to learn wisdom. The ants have one of the most synchronous and high-tech communication systems. Humans are not able to comprehend the mysteries surrounding their communication strategy. However, we know that listening is crucial in their communication system.

10 Steps to Effective Communication:

1. Manage your FIRE (Focus, ideas, reactions, and emotions); reply only when you throughly understand. Focus your attention on the person, listen for ideas, look for reactions, and identify the emotions behind the words.
2. Stay on topic: Focus on the issues at hand one at a time. Always remember that your relationship is more important than the issue.
3. Create a positive environment that encourages openness and vulnerability. The seeds that you plant dictate the fruit that you receive.
4. Speak truth: speak the truth with love because scripture states that the truth will set you free.
5. Be a good model: it is better to lead by example and model so others can imitate.
6. Clear state the “Who, what, why, when, or how” Speak to the person, not at the person
7. Evaluate your communication regularly: Identify what is wrong with what you say or how you say it.
8. Do not let your emotions dominate your ability to listen and respond to what is being communicated. Focus on the person’s words, tone of voice, facial expression, hand gesture, and body language. Research states that people engaged only 7% on what we say, 38% on how we say it, and 55% on what we do when we speak.
9. Act and speak based on God’s word: Be objective and not subjective, and take the time to listen and understand.
10. Ask good questions to ensure clarity and intent. Always treat each other with kindness, grace, and wisdom.

Misunderstandings are a disruptor of successful relationships, and no one is exempt. Miscommunication will and is happening to the best of us. What will we do about miscommunication now that we know its impact? Deeper Communication equals Greater Connection!

Share your thoughts:

• What is the ONE thing you can do to improve communication in your relationship?
• On a scale of 0 to 10, rate how effective your spouse communicates?